The Ever-Learning Disciple

It's screaming, fighting, begging, pleading. You need this-- you deserve this. God created you to desire this. Just imagine what it will be like. C'mon, just give in a little. It'll make you happy. This is what I hear. Everyday. All day. My flesh is not only sinful, it's persistent! I can't escape it, I can't fight it, I can't walk away from it. So I give in... Now what? Now I'm alone with my thoughts. What did I sacrifice? What did I gain? How do I feel? Satisfied. I am complacent and satisfied for a moment. Maybe a day, a week, a year? How far did it get me?  Then regret sets in. What have I done? How many people have I hurt? Who knows about it? What do they think of me now? Was it worth it? Love and Attention. Recognition. Stability. Emotive Happiness. Dominance.  What do I want so badly that I'm willing to sacrifice my relationship with others? What can I not seem to live without that I jeopardize my testimony or disappoint my...

Things have been hard lately. The weather is cold, my motivation is tanking, and the feelings of loneliness are skyrocketing. I'll be too transparent, then I'll be too hard-hearted, followed by an emotional breakdown that involves an hour or so of uncontrollable tears. What's going on? Lord, what are You trying to accomplish with me right now? Around this time last year, The Lord began giving me an endless cup of grace. For my friends, my family, and even for myself (which for me is a big deal). I was content with my life. My circimstances weren't any different. But I was. I began asking myself why  my attitude and emotions were so much more controlled and pleasant last year, yet as ugly as a naked mole rat now. Here's what I found: 1. I was in the word more. Frankly put, I was more consistent and hungry for time with The Lord. Today I find myself spending my extra time doing frivolous things instead. What's worse is that it even crosses my mind that...

    Over the previous couple of years, I have been shaping an image of who I anticipate my future husband to be. These ideas include his likes, his dislikes, his strengths, and his skill set. As time drifts by, this list is becoming lengthier and more uncompromising. Who ever he is, he needs to come quick before the expectations become unattainable (although I think they already are).     Something formidable happened as my list became so involved that I was now considering not only who he would be, but also what kind of woman he would be searching. He would be most attracted to the Godliness and pure heart of his future wife. She would wake up each morning desperate to hear from The Lord. She would seek Christ in everything she did and said. She would be a role model to young girls. She would go out of her way to help a friend. She would go even more out of her way to help a stranger. This should be his list.      Uh oh.    ...

      Tonight the sun will set 30 minutes earlier than it did the beginning of July. The nights are cooler with crisp air, birds are packing up for their seasonal travel, and front porches are newly adorned with pumpkins and hay bells.  Ready or not-- Fall is coming.        As Autumn emerges, I am reminded of the most important juncture of my 23 year journey on earth. The seasons were changing and I had been walking in the valley for a few years. I had been doing everything I knew to do to pull out of the force field of sin that was preventing me from climbing the mountain in front of me. I walked in obedience (after many years of walking in rebellion), and petitioned the Lord each day to show me more. I pleaded with Him to reveal to me why, even after a year of searching for Him, the temptations were still unbearable and pain was still substantial. "Lord, have I ran out of Your grace?  Is there any mercy left for me?"   ...

"You can't build your own boyfriend" I admit I have serious control issues. I'd rather do an entire group project alone so that I don't have to depend on or trust other people's work. It's just my personality.. But recently, The Lord has began revealing to me that this is not a Godly attribute.  So, I began to search out and pray about my role as a Godly woman. Who has the Lord instructed me to be; how has He laid out the blueprint for me to handle decision-making and fight off my eager, controlling desires?  Scripture lays out framework for who we are to be as women and men of God. First and foremost, we are to be imitators of God. Yes, we as sinners who cannot escape our flesh, are to strive for the righteousness of our Holy God. The next part of Ephesians 5 tell us how  we are to mimic our Lord-- by walking in love. Forgive one another, sacrifice for your brother's sake, and resist feeling entitled to anything.  Love is hard. Forgiveness is ...

I love that my friends and family are concerned and interested in my life. But it seems like every Sunday morning or Holiday family event, the question comes up: "Are you seeing anyone?" Obsessing over marriage has been a huge struggle in my life. The longer I was single, the longer my list of things that are wrong with me became. I am in my twenties; this is the time of my life that prince charming comes to slay the dragon, battle the beast, and rescue me. So, where is he? Is he lost at sea? Did I choose the wrong coffee shop the day I was supposed to meet him? Why is everyone telling me they are sorry when I respond to their question?... Sorry? Sorry for what? I live in the south, I get that. Most people in my family were married as teenagers. My sister is two years older than me, yet six years ahead of me. But that just isn't the way my life went. And I am tired of apologizing for it or feeling as if I did something wrong along the way. I came to know Christ (fo...

I wish I could say that I love people. If only I could have an enduring, constant love for people-- a love that survives in me regardless of capricious circumstances. But to put it simply, I don't. I feel hurt easily by the piercing words of people. I am quick to gain a bitter heart, and even quicker to suspend my relationships with those that I have lost a sense of love towards. What's worse, is that I continually count myself blameless. I attribute wrongness and sinfulness to my neighbors, abandoning the idea that I may have my own transgressions to resolve. Mark chapter 7 speaks about the traits that defile us. "For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these evil things, come from within and they defile a person." As I read this passage, I mistakenly began pardoning myself from most (all) of them: Evil tho...