Be Still My Bitter Heart

Excuses. Excuses is all I have ever given to explain why I am allowed to be bitter. "You don't understand," and "..but my circumstances are different." I've never had a problem justifying why it was OK for me to be hateful, distant, and abrasive. 

About two years ago, my pastor journeyed through a sermon series titled "Letting Go," and of course the sermon about letting go of anger and bitterness had my heart stirring. Just a few weeks before that, a dear friend of mine handed me a college graduation gift: a book titled "Let Go," which was all about letting go of pain and anger because the only thing it'll ever do is tear you apart and inhibit your ministry. Around the same time, I visited a friend's church and the sermon was centered around the same exact concept. THEN, to top it all off, my sister (who had NO idea that all these things were stirring up in me) sent me a long message about bitterness and how she was learning to let go! Do you have goosebumps yet? It was insane to watch God scream at me like that. I spent the next 6 months reading books, studying scripture, and seeking prayer on the matter. I did well those months. But in retrospect, I can see that my "changed heart" was superficial and that I hadn't actually allowed the Lord to get too deep with me on the matter. Not long after that, my walls came tumbling down and I was enraged all over again. 

I let myself be bitter. I resorted back to my excuses. "It's not my fault," and "It's impossible, THEY are the ones that need to change." 

Recently, I have been burdened by the bitterness all over again. I started asking myself questions like, "Why can't I love these people?" and "Does my obedience depend on others actions?" Yikes! I realized that my bitterness and inability to forgive was something that I was letting external influences determine. I remember my pastor once phrasing forgiveness from God and forgiveness distributed to others as inseparably linked and that we are wicked to not demonstrate forgiveness to others. These words are playing over and over in my head and I'm realizing that my hardened heart is keeping me from God. It is keeping me from experiencing who Christ is in me. 

Now, I am in constant prayer for the Lord to crush me; to crush my pride, my selfishness, and my rebellion in order to teach me how to love the unlovable. And He is doing just that. I will never love enough, I will never forgive enough, I will never minister enough. The grace and mercy He pours out to me is unimaginable. How selfish and ungrateful am I to not then turn around and give that same grace to others? Seven times seven times I will forgive. Piece by piece I will let the Lord chisel my rigid heart. And day by day I will learn how to love with a love that is not my own. 

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

Ephesians 4:1-6