Trusting My Doubt
Have you ever been so sure of something and yet doubt it in its entirety at the same time? Have you ever felt the wind sweetly kiss you on the cheek while wondering how it could leave you that same instant? Lately, these feelings have thrived in my everyday being. An evening of intimate prayer creates stillness in me, only for the rising of the sun to steal away the peace of the night.
I think of the stories in the bible where God did everything just short of audibly telling His people what He wanted from them. He made it so clear to Jonah that he should travel to Nineveh, and unmistakably conveyed to Paul each step to take next as he witnessed to the lost. What I wouldn't give to have the God of the universe speak to me with that kind of clarity.
But instead, I plead with the Lord to show me something-- anything. In the absence of affirmation, I'm left with feelings of hopelessness and misdirection. What am I doing? Have I strayed from His plan so much that the paths have become too murky to find the trail of bread crumbs He left for me? Was I supposed to pursue a different career? Should I have leaped onto the mission field after college? Did I run from Nineveh? Am I currently walking in disobedience and experiencing the repercussions by being so lost now?
As I work through these emotions, I am reminded that the master plan for my life will find its way with or without me. The Holy God I serve does not need me. But what a sweet gesture that He wants me. I trust that if I pursue Him with every ounce of energy that I have, that I will be walking with Him whether I can see where we are going or not. Maybe He means to keep me blindfolded; only to have to trust his gentle pull.
"...that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you..." Ephesians 1
I've been called to work for His kingdom. Whether or not I am supposed to serve Him through medicine isn't for me to know in this moment. My God is too big for me to figure out. If I could know exactly what He was doing, then He wouldn't be as impressive of a God.
I will continue to be still. The reassuring moments He has for me will come-- not today, maybe not even after I graduate PA school, but soon. I desire to be His workman, and I am willing to leave everything I know to follow where He leads. If the last 2 years of grad school were only meant to teach me about life and His grace, so be it. If I never spend a day practicing medicine, then I'll find comfort in knowing that this time hasn't been wasted. That He used the sweet friends he gave me to help prepare me for whatever it is that He does want for me. And I could never doubt that.
I think of the stories in the bible where God did everything just short of audibly telling His people what He wanted from them. He made it so clear to Jonah that he should travel to Nineveh, and unmistakably conveyed to Paul each step to take next as he witnessed to the lost. What I wouldn't give to have the God of the universe speak to me with that kind of clarity.
But instead, I plead with the Lord to show me something-- anything. In the absence of affirmation, I'm left with feelings of hopelessness and misdirection. What am I doing? Have I strayed from His plan so much that the paths have become too murky to find the trail of bread crumbs He left for me? Was I supposed to pursue a different career? Should I have leaped onto the mission field after college? Did I run from Nineveh? Am I currently walking in disobedience and experiencing the repercussions by being so lost now?
As I work through these emotions, I am reminded that the master plan for my life will find its way with or without me. The Holy God I serve does not need me. But what a sweet gesture that He wants me. I trust that if I pursue Him with every ounce of energy that I have, that I will be walking with Him whether I can see where we are going or not. Maybe He means to keep me blindfolded; only to have to trust his gentle pull.
"...that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you..." Ephesians 1
I've been called to work for His kingdom. Whether or not I am supposed to serve Him through medicine isn't for me to know in this moment. My God is too big for me to figure out. If I could know exactly what He was doing, then He wouldn't be as impressive of a God.
I will continue to be still. The reassuring moments He has for me will come-- not today, maybe not even after I graduate PA school, but soon. I desire to be His workman, and I am willing to leave everything I know to follow where He leads. If the last 2 years of grad school were only meant to teach me about life and His grace, so be it. If I never spend a day practicing medicine, then I'll find comfort in knowing that this time hasn't been wasted. That He used the sweet friends he gave me to help prepare me for whatever it is that He does want for me. And I could never doubt that.
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