Is God Actually 'Good'

   Every now and then I get to share my testimony with people. Sometimes its the quick and dirty version and sometimes it's the lengthy and detailed version. But the outline is always the same: traumatic childhood leading me to question God's goodness (or even the existence of God), followed by my destructive and damning habits of early adulthood as I was searching for some kind of acceptance or satisfaction, leading into late college when I felt this unusual feeling of guilt/conviction and a call to obedience, and eventually ending at the moment I found myself on the carpet of my loft apartment surrendering to the Jesus that I found holding me and whispering to me, "Child, my love for you has nothing to do with your circumstances." 

   It all suddenly made sense to me in a way that only those who have truly experienced that power of the Holy Spirit can understand. In the duration of a few months (or even in a few hours), I didn't become any wiser or more scholarly. I didn't just solve a math equation or find the hidden key under the potted plant; instead, it was a divine understanding of who God is and how His goodness covered the horrendous and broken heart that I was carrying. It was a revelation of how I needed Him and how He truly was merciful because I had a better look at the truly disgusting heart of mine that needed saving. 

   The story wraps up as I talk about the more refining process I went through in grad school. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by Jesus-loving girls who invested in my newly formed relationship with the Lord that they'd known for years. But now that I'm 5 years removed from that time, I have often been asked in follow up, "So what's life and your relationship with Christ look like now?" 

   As embarrassing as it was, I would admit that I had come full circle and was doubting God's goodness all over again. My Alma Mater prayer was "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24). I wasn't doubting His sovereignty or my need for Him, but I was doubting how He could be Good when I was left with the same pain and loneliness that I started with. There wasn't an angel of heaven that waved a magic wand and pronounced me healed from all the trauma and abuse. There wasn't an automatic bestowing of meekness and gracefulness. My automatic defenses and fears didn't just melt away. Instead, I was questioning why the Lord hadn't "showed up" more in my life. Why wasn't He giving me the things I needed or restoring broken things in my life? Why are things still not right?

   In a very challenging but beautiful way, through a lot of prayer and spiritual counseling, I have been able to start to heal. One of the most powerful forms of healing I experienced was during a time when my counselor asked me to go back to a time in my life that I felt God was absent and visualize where I see Jesus in that moment. Picturing a moment in my childhood that clearly haunts me, I see Jesus hiding in my closet just watching the scene unfold. Completely disinterested in my pain. The second part of the challenge was to command that if that was not the Real Jesus, that the spirit would leave and the Real Jesus would reveal himself. In that prayerful and powerful moment, I see Jesus standing in a light that I had never seen before. He was RIGHT THERE. He was taking on sin and protecting me and doing everything that the God I know would be doing! I couldn't believe it. The stronghold that the enemy had on me to believe Jesus was just a bystander! I was free!

  Other, less dramatic, steps of healing took place after that. Learning that I couldn't just pick bad fruit off of my tree but that some root work needed to take place. And after just finishing some landscaping around my house, I will testify that spiritual roots are so much harder to evacuate than those of the dead plants next to my mailbox. I get chest pain just thinking about the ground work I've had to do in my heart. 

   But the second dramatic step in my process of healing came just a few month ago. What is good?

  What seemed like such a simple question completely shook me as I searched to define by what I was measuring God's goodness. My immediate thought looked a whole lot like prosperity and happiness. The very thing I have argued is not the point of Christ. Practice what you preach, Amber. *insert eye roll emoji*

   How could I have never challenged myself  to ask what about Him was I considering 'not good'? How, in all honesty, had I never dissected my biggest challenge in my relationship with Christ? Probably because I felt entitled to feel that way. This was my thing, this was how I dealt with some of my issues, by always making sure God was to blame. There must still be some element of bullying that He enjoys and I will just have to deal with it and accept that He isn't as concerned as I think He should be.  Cowardly, really. 

  The Lord wants me. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to be eager to be with Him. He just wants to spend time with me the same way that my dog does when I come home and she pees all over the garage floor because she is so excited that I am home. I AM HOME. Home. Something I had never really had before. Sure, I have lived in some houses, trailers, apartments; and sure I've been literally homeless as a kid and as a young adult before. But the home I was really craving was a place of  belonging. An established network of people investing into me as I also invest into them. A people who don't just leave when they are angry, frustrated, craving a high, disinterested, or overwhelmed. Not only has He given me a place with Him to belong, but He has also given me an earthly belonging through church, friends, and even healing of broken relationships with some of my family. He is Good because He is going to do whatever it takes to have me! Not in a creepy Joe Goldberg from Netflix kind of way, but in a YOU-ARE-MY-DAUGHTER kind of way. 

  His Goodness is defined by whatever brings us in closer fellowship with Him. Pretty sure I stole that line from my preacher; worth stealing though, right? I'll say it again. God's Goodness is WHATEVER brings us in closer fellowship with Him. So when we are pleading with Him to "show up" we can remember that He is standing right in the middle of our questioning where He is. That's exactly where He is. Am i making sense? When we suddenly find ourselves crying demanding that He do something, that's exactly what He's doing. When he gives you something that you want or need and it leads you to thanksgiving and praise, that is Good. When we are in over our heads constantly praying and leaning in because we know that He is our hope, that is where He is. When we face a pandemic where people are scared and possibly re-evaluating their need for a Savior, that is His Goodness! 

  I’m forever amazed at the way He continues to teach and mold me into the woman He has designed me to be. And I undoubtedly hold true that all of our lives are designed to create a picture of the Redemption that has been so graciously given to us.