Preparing for Rain

Things have been hard lately. The weather is cold, my motivation is tanking, and the feelings of loneliness are skyrocketing. I'll be too transparent, then I'll be too hard-hearted, followed by an emotional breakdown that involves an hour or so of uncontrollable tears. What's going on? Lord, what are You trying to accomplish with me right now?

Around this time last year, The Lord began giving me an endless cup of grace. For my friends, my family, and even for myself (which for me is a big deal). I was content with my life. My circimstances weren't any different. But I was.

I began asking myself why my attitude and emotions were so much more controlled and pleasant last year, yet as ugly as a naked mole rat now. Here's what I found:

1. I was in the word more. Frankly put, I was more consistent and hungry for time with The Lord. Today I find myself spending my extra time doing frivolous things instead. What's worse is that it even crosses my mind that I have time to study the bible and I choose not to. I don't have a good excuse, and if I did, I'd be lying. 

2. I prayed more. Instead of staying up late to write papers or play games on my phone, I was spending an hour or more before bed praying for my friends, my family, and for myself. 

3. I prayed differently. Today I'm praying selfishly. The give-me-what-I-want prayers. Before I was praying for a changed heart- a content heart. I was praying for strength to overcome my constant struggles. But today, I find myself praying more for people to praise me for the changes I've already made and for everything around me to change.  

4. I listened to more Christian music. Oh man, I used to not be able to tell you what the latest songs on the radio were. "Who's Drake?" Today I'm listening to Selena Gomez on repeat. (Embarrassing for many reasons lol). No, I don't believe listening to non-Christian music is necessarily a bad thing. It just isn't beneficial either. 

I guess you could sum it all up by saying I have quite a few New Year resolutions to adhere to. My circumstances may never change. Friends and family who have hurt me might never be sorry. But I need to forgive them anyway. I may never get married. But I have to prepare to be a wife anyway. I recently had a dear friend ask me if ten years down the road I was still single, would that be okay? Yikes. That brought out some sinful discontentment faster than the speed of light. Yet each time I try to use my singleness to get involved and expand my ministry to others, I run into road blocks! Very funny, God. There's gotta be some cheese at the end of this maze. One way or another. 

That same friend gave me a prayer to focus on. "Lord, give me a glimpse into what You're doing." When I'm feeling lost, and I don't know where to turn next, that will be my prayer. When I can't figure out which way He's pointing, that will be my prayer. When I'm struggling to forgive and feeling hurt, that will be my prayer. "Lord, just show me that I'm on track with what You're doing here." 

"Examine yourselves, to see whether or not you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?"

2 Corithians 13:5

I'm in control of my attitude. That doesn't mean things won't be hard, but there is something bigger than what I can see from where I'm standing. I may be in a drought. But I'm going to prepare my field for rain.